We’ve all met people who somehow thrive in spite of themselves. They seem determined to trip over their own feet on the road to success — sabotaging opportunities, alienating allies, and settling for less than they’re capable of.
It’s as if they’re haunted by a personal ghost — a relentless whisper of self-doubt, shame, or regret that pushes them toward bad decisions and keeps their brilliance dimmed.
And here’s the truth: we all have that ghost.
When you put two or more of these “ghost-wrestlers” together, you can end up with a mess — Blame, Excuses, Defensiveness — a toxic cocktail I call the B.E.D. of dysfunction. In that space, it’s not just our own success at stake — it’s our family, our team, and even our entire organization.
So, how do you get out of the B.E.D.?
The Chicken Coop Lesson
When I was a kid, I went to collect eggs and found a possum in the corner of the chicken coop. At first, it seemed harmless — just crouched there, waiting. But when I got closer, it suddenly bared a mouthful of terrifying teeth.
Why?
It felt threatened.
Humans aren’t much different. When we feel threatened — whether by criticism, uncertainty, or our own self-doubt — we show our metaphorical teeth. We lash out. We withdraw. We self-sabotage.
Step One: Presence
The first step in escaping the B.E.D. is awareness — recognizing when you’re feeling threatened and when your thoughts are being hijacked by stories of doubt, defensiveness, worry, or fear.
That awareness requires presence.
It’s the ability to cut through the swirl of thoughts about past wrongs, imagined future disasters, or today’s slip-ups — and simply be here. To notice your internal story for what it is: a story, not the truth.
Step Two: Seeing Yourself
With presence comes clarity — the clarity to see your own reactivity in real time. That’s a hard mirror to look into. It’s uncomfortable to witness your own patterns of self-sabotage.
But in that moment of clear-eyed self-awareness, you hold power. The power to choose differently.
And that choice — to rewrite the story, to act from your best self instead of your threatened self — changes everything.